Even with all the resources out there about coordinating senior care for a parent, sometimes, it’s best to hear from others who have been through it. Regardless of how well you prepare, there’s no better teacher than lived experience.
That’s why this guide was crafted by a fellow adult child who’s lived their worst nightmare: a parent developing dementia before these important conversations could happen. Not only are we speaking from personal experience, but we’re also speaking from a place of deep love and bittersweet regret.
Wherever you are on your journey – whether you’re talking to a retired parent who’s still in good health, exploring senior care options near you for a declining parent, or moving your parent from one senior care community to another – we’ve got you covered with:
Conversations about senior care with parents and staff will likely be difficult at best and seemingly impossible at worst. Before we dive into the questions, here are some general tips for breaking the ice.
1. Brush up on filial responsibility laws in your state: Filial responsibility laws require adult children to care for their vulnerable parents, regardless of the parents’ ages. Before you ask a single question, it’s a good idea to research your legal obligations to your parent(s). Knowing your responsibilities will help shape your half of the interaction.
2. Practice empathy: Put yourself in your parent’s shoes. How would you feel if you were getting older, inching closer to losing your independence and everything you worked so hard for all your life? Take some time to really imagine it, then let those emotions guide your approach.
3. Mind yourself: Your tone and body language are just as impactful as your words, so practice self-awareness. Even if you don’t feel fully confident, do your best to appear calm and composed, and keep the conversation on track. If things become too heated, take a pause and try again later.
4. Take notes: Find a way to capture and save your parent’s thoughts and wishes during these conversations, whether through recordings or notetaking. Not only will it help you stay organized as you coordinate care, but it also creates something meaningful you can treasure in the future.
5. Talk emotions as well as logistics: Most of our questions deal with practical steps, like finances and paperwork. But don’t forget to tap into your emotions, too. You may have questions about your parent’s life and memories, or other family members. If you sprinkle some of those questions into your conversations now, you’ll be glad you did later.
Now, let’s dig into the nitty-gritty of what questions you should ask your parent(s), staff, and residents.
Many seniors actively avoid having these conversations with their children. It’s understandable – no one wants to talk about getting older, particularly with their children. But take it from us: avoiding these conversations will only cause more headaches for everyone and increase the burden on you.
With this, as well as our tips above, in mind, here are the questions we wish we’d asked our parent(s) before they needed senior care:
Is there anything you’d like to discuss or share with me about your senior care plans before we move on to my questions?
Giving your parent(s) the floor first shows you respect their independence and opinion.
Do you have an existing care plan for your senior and elderly years?
This simple question is a great way to avoid making assumptions. And if their answer is “no,” it also opens the floor for you to emphasize why proper planning is crucial.
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Do you have a durable power of attorney assigned to make healthcare and financial decisions on your behalf if you become incapacitated?
If not, make this a priority; certain states don’t permit power of attorney to be filed once a person is unable to manage their own affairs.
What role, if any, do you expect me to play in your long-term care? What about other family members?
This is a great opportunity to chat about filial responsibility laws with your parent(s) and get clear on everyone’s responsibilities.
Is there anything I should know about your health history that may come up again as you age?
You may already have some answers to this question, but it’s worth asking in case your parent(s) had any health issues in their youth they may have forgotten about.
Do you have a living will or advance directive in place?
Living wills and advance directives let caregivers know what healthcare choices to make if your parent can’t communicate their wishes.
RELATED READING: How to Talk to Your Parents About Senior Living
Whether you’re touring a facility for the first time or you’re meeting with your parent’s personal care team, here are some things you might want to ask staff members.
RELATED READING: Questions to Ask During a Senior Living Community Tour
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Our author didn’t have the opportunity to talk to other residents before getting their parent placed in senior care. However, you may have the opportunity if you’re touring places, and we encourage you to take it if it comes up.
Here are a few questions you might like to ask other residents:
Now that you know what questions to ask, the next step is simply starting the conversation. You’re welcome to share this article with your parent(s) as a way to open the dialogue.
Writing this piece was a heartfelt process for our author, and we’re grateful for the chance to pass along what we’ve learned. While the journey can be challenging at times, it’s also an opportunity to grow closer and make meaningful decisions together. We wish you and your family strength, clarity, and peace as you move forward.
Disclaimer: Information provided above may vary by community. We encourage you to speak directly with each Senior Living community to confirm specific details and ensure the community is the right fit for your individual needs and preferences.
